Published on Jun 25, 2020
About :

I think it's time for a personal update.

I've been getting questions if I'm ok, that I seem a little distracted since the whole Steem vs Hive battle. Right around the time of the steem hostile takeover my mom had heart pains and went to the doctor. They found blood clots in her lungs and realized she was only using 15% of her heart power to pump blood through her body. I noticed she was getting a bit to forget at times, but it wasn't anything too concerning, I figured shes 74, could just be old age. I go to visit my mom up north twice a year, usually for a total of 2 months.

She needs heart surgery, she has decompensated heart failure (DHF).
First, they needed to remove the clots. While removing the blood clots, they messed up causing a hematoma in her leg. So her heart surgery was pushed back until that healed. Each time it takes around a month to fully dissolve the clots the doctors told me. A month later they test, clots are still there. Now they add a net to catch the clots. We wait another month, all the while I watched my mom going from full conversations with her to her not knowing where she was. She is so forgetful now every time I call she thinks I am there and asked me to rub her shoulders or get her some water. I burst out in tears every time, it's so got damn hard to not be there for her to help ease her anxiety. It's hell.

So she just recently had another test a few weeks ago and the clots were still there, but there is progress. So now its a race between getting the clots removed so she can have a safe surgery, or her dying during the wait. Every day I call my mom, she has no idea where she is, she crying, scared, crying out for her children's names.

I'm a strong person, but this swept me clean of my feet. It struck at something so deep inside me it raddled my core. That's why I always tell people to take care of themselves before helping others. I've been in tough, impossible spots before where the feeling of helplessness reigns supreme. But I'm also equipped now with meditation techniques that help me get through this.

Fast forward a few weeks to today. Yesterday I found out the heart condition was not causing her memory loss but that she has later stages of Alzheimer's. The doctors are running tests to see if she will live out the year if they don't think she will they won't operate. I'm going to do everything in my power to see that she is strong enough to get that surgery, all hope is not lost yet. It has just been one crazy fucking roller coaster.

I appreciate all of the thoughts and concerns. I lost my dad when I was 21, I loved that man more than I can say with words. I feel the same with my mom, shes a good woman, she does not deserve to go out like this.

I will keep marching. Pain is a strict teacher without mercy. We either grow through the pain or break.

Tags :

life health

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