This video introduces the first of four Non Violent Communication (NVC) workshops, OBSERVATION. I explain the most important aspects of NVC and share some detail about the exercise you will be doing, and how to observe and listen to others using NVC. This introduction will prepare you for the actual workshop that will be posted in a couple of days. In that workshop you will read, learn, and try out some questions and exercises on your own. Finally, you will choose someone to practice with and try out a very simple exercise as described in this video. Once you have completed this I believe many of you will start to see the real potential and rewards of NVC!
Please note: I speak slowly to make it easier to understand everything and so I can choose my words carefully. I believe fewer words carefully spoken are more effective than an intense barrage of information!
Just listen and put your whole story aside. Know that you cannot listen whilst you are thinking, and a sure sign that you are listening is that you have stopped thinking about how you relate to the story. If you find yourself trying to justify yourself or wanting to respond to them in your thoughts, just remind yourself that we will come to it, but to start you cannot make any progress until you have identified their specific needs and how they relate to the issue at hand. Whilst you listen you may find there is something said that you don't understand properly. Speak to clarify any details of the story, and to help yourself identify their specific needs. Make sure the needs they identify are their own needs and not what they 'need you to do'.
When listening to someone share, we must make sure we only hear their needs and feelings, and not their judgements! There is a great quote from Marshall Rosenberg
We use empathy to help us understand the other persons needs. Therefore when we listen we use all our senses and intuition so that we can truly understand how that person is feeling. This will help us to also assist them in discovering their need that lies behind it. Very often we need help to understand our needs, and having someone who is really listening suggest a need that resonates with us is a beautiful moment. You will see the spark in their eyes when they identify a need that they may not have ever really specifically talked about.
Below is a link to the PDF that you can download of our most common needs. You will find that most peoples needs are the same and are on this list. If you are not sure what the needs are of the person you are talking to, you can refer to this sheet to help you. It's worth mentioning that sometimes people think they have identified a need when in fact they have not. They may have just made a demand instead of stating a need, or they may have stated an actual need but you feel it may be something else.
DOWNLOAD PDF OF FEELINGS AND NEEDS
Normally once we finish listening listening there may be a request or some kind of response, but for the purpose of this workshop and so early on, I only want you to say something that in some way helps you to understand them better or helps them to identify their feelings and needs.
Watch how really listening deepens the conversation and connection.. and gives them time to share their needs and experience properly.
The actual post for this first workshop will happen in a couple of days. Please do not try out the exercise in this video until you have read that post!
Thank you for being a part of this NVC journey!